Thursday, February 21, 2013


Phone beeps…
1 new message

 Dear subscriber, we noticed u r 1 of
our only 5 Airtel subscribers in the
North & to reward ur loyalty, ur account
has been credited with N1000, 000
Thanks for choosing Airtel!

Hurriedly dials *123# to check balance.

Service reply
Main Acc: N 0. 00 NGN. Voice Acct1: N 0. 00
On-Net SMS: O, Voice Acct2: N 0. 00.
We hope u would have realized at this point
that u were only dreaming & pls recharge
to avoid service suspension.

*insert* market women saying “Hmmm, wonders shall never end.” 

 Ladies and Gents, welcome to today’s post. Over the past few months, I noticed that I have left quite a number of text messages unattended to.  Can’t blame me...with Facebook, Twitter, BBM, Whatsapp ati other social apps, who really does text messages these days?

Scrolling through the length and breadth of my inbox, I can only find messages from Airtel, MTN & bank alerts that do nothing but remind me of how broke I’m.  I hear people don’t like it when they send you messages and you don’t respond and of course, I know how it would have felt if you didn’t take time out to read this post. [Ese Gan!]

Today happens to be one of many days when I question my sanity:
Muddie:  Which frequency we dey operate today? 
Voice:     “SBW”…short brain wave and this means your brain will be quite shaky today!

This explains why I will be replying text messages sent by telecomm service providers today… but one thing I will not do is apologise to them for the late response [una no go know wetin I dey go through just to talk to dem customer care agents].
Reaches for his Nokia X2 & navigates through inbox…

 Message #1
Super Eagles of NIG vs. Stallions of
Burkina Faso, who takes home the
cup, live match updates @ N20
daily. Send AFC to 244.

Received:  04:44:48pm  10-02-2013
From: Airtel

Scam to 244.
LWKMD…Airtel o!!! To who brain is
given, sense is xpected. Una want
me to pay N20 4 update 4 d same
match wey I watch live 4 ocean
viewing center 4 makoko area & na
N50 I pay. Are u a learner?

Message #2
Breaking News! Call 141 now for details.
It’s Free.

Received:  06:11:09pm  19-02-2013
From: Airtel

Make una no worry, I rely on Channels TV and Linda
Ikeji 4 breaking News. Their Services are also
free and dem no dey carry last. Can I call
08023454494 for free 2? Na my gfrnd numba.

Message #3

PASS ME UR LOVE, text 011145 to 4100. For
L-O-V-E U by Jesse Jagz, text 011761 to 4100.
Txt STOP to 33111 to Opt-Out

Received: 19:43:58pm  12-02-2013
From: MTN NG

MTN, Apart from d fact say una wan force us 2 buy
old songs, I’m embarrassed by poor choice of luv
songs! Are u saving IFE WA GBONO by Tiwa and
YES NO by Banky for EASTER TUNEZ? To opt out,

Message #4

Customer service just got easier. A quick response
to your enquiries is just a tweet away. Go to

Received:  09:17:18  14-02-2013
From: Etisalat

Wayo Ppl! Una neva fit ansa who dey call una for
fone, how much more for twitter. This is just a
miserable excuse to get us to follow u on twitter.
Focus on improving ur call center services jor!

 People of God, that is how I respond to annoying text messages from inefficient telecomm service providers. The network is always good when you are loading a recharge card but try making a call, na dat time e go be like say BH don blow -up the entire masts for Nigeria. They keep sending messages that make no sense but Nigerians are so much smarter than service providers think. I for one, will not fall for all these SMS scams. I use Airtel and these guys are mean. They send messages and tell you to call 141 now. “Una no dey fit say please?” If you don’t call back, they will ask that girl who uses auto-tune and a phoney accent  to use one ordinary number to call you the following day…

“Good afternoon, we sent you a text message since yesterday and you haven’t replied. So wa OK?”
[To show it is a recorded message, it is always afternoon, even when she calls you at night.]

 Yes I’m alright and unlike every other Nigerian, if una send me text, I go reply and I still dey wait for the day wey una go send me text say I win free credit, black berry phone or free dinner with one of una beautiful female customer care representatives.


  1. This boy sef...wetin de hungry you no dey even for Central Market sef. But anyhow, this is quite a nice one. and I love it. I only hope the people your are talking to will get to hear this; one way or the other. The services provided by these so called service providers is really pathetic. And what pains me more is the fact that no one seems to be interested in putting them in check! And I dare ask: What then is the Job Descriptions of NCC?????

  2. N̶̲̥̅̊☺̴̩̩̥ be small tin oh, guy you try cuz N̶̲̥̅̊☺̴̩̩̥ be small phone trick these guys de do us.

  3. Dis is hilarious

  4. "...To whom Brain is given, Sense is required!!"